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I've first spoke about my physical nonhumanity with this post, calling it philosophical only. And since making this post, I realize that I also mean it in a more literal way, and that the difference between literally physical and philosophically physical is incredibly confusing and vague to me. I instead see it as a vague area.

I don't like how some who are literally physical imply that the philosophically physical ones view it as something watered down, more shallow and as having the capacity to experience things that the metaphorical/philosophical ones can never hope to understand. And I also dislike the idea that literal nonhumans are taking it too far, and that the only way it can actually be experienced is through a philosophical lens. I don't really see anything good coming out of separating and gatekeeping the two as separate things. As I've already written on the subject, "b
y making the claim that you are physically nonhuman in a philosophical way, you are still addressing the body as physically nonhuman. And from there, they can modify the body or do whatever they want after that point. There are differences between the two, but I think specific similarities between the two are being overlooked." Someone who is literally physical and someone who is philosophically physical both attribute their body as something not human, for example. 

I don't know where the philosophical part of my identity starts and where the literal part of it ends, or if there is even a difference between those two things. This is because I view all of existence and consciousness through a philosophical lens. It feels pointless to try to label my experiences as one or the other.

Note: As a warning. there is a bit of disassociation and unreality talk in the next paragraph in the midst of my philosophical babbling.

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(Reposted from tumblr)

I managed to catch up with an old friend and it made me realize a few things. It's funny how little things seem to have changed from my teenager years ~15 years ago, despite all of the breakthroughs that I went through since then with this state of being. I was good friends with someone at the time, before I knew anything about nonhumanity, kinity and the like. Despite it all, I'm some how the same person with the same personality, likes and dislikes as back then. Before I caught up with my old friend, I expected myself to be so completely aloof and different because of how differently I perceive myself now. Because now, I fully know and acknowledge that I'm an entity masquerading as a human. To my surprise, I don't behave that much differently since the time I was a teenager, despite all of these situations (excluding the current horrors of being an adult now-that one is new. I am much more tired with life now.)

Back then, I thought I was just a normal human, even though I've always had animalistic, feral tendencies. I felt like I wasn't human and despised being one, but I just ignored it. But fast forward to the present, and despite being so blindly oblivious to my sapient alien roots even when I was 15 years old, I still feel like the same exact person. Even if I didn't know I was just performing humanity as a disguised alien creature when I was a teenager because I completely forgot about it. I now have a completely different philosophical and spiritual understanding of the universe around me that differs from what I was taught in christian religion, and I do view human culture differently now than I used to before I entered my 20s, but I still treat the other humans I've already known back then the same way as I did before my awakening to this. I guess it's just that treat myself differently, even though I am always hiding it from others.

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Updated 3/21/25

As I have mentioned elsewhere, I have a fear of things resembling collectives or hiveminds, in any sort of way. Despite this, I have these faint feelings of the familiarity that the interconnectedness of the Khala brought to the protoss, the species specific psionic emotional link. It's a faint ancestral memory even though I was never actually part of it. The Khala allowed everyone to share their inner most thoughts and feelings, while keeping their own core sense of self, yet it still irks me. Although, it is possible to get lost in it at times.

This familiarity is inherent with being a protoss, to my disappointment. And this gives me many mixed feelings. To quickly summarize its history, the protoss were found by a highly advanced progenitor species, (the Xel'naga), and were genetically manipulated and given the Khala to bring about an end to a cycle. In the end, this resulted in those connected to the Khala to become possessed by an evil entity. I will talk about this later on in this essay. Because before we get to the end of the Khala, I have to discuss where the dark templar, or Nerazim as they've called themselves later on come into this, hi.

Small cw for mentions of religious trauma and possession.

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I connected to vulcans, before discovering my main protoss identity. And I now consider vulcans to be a paratype despite learning about them first.

To explain what I'm talking about, I will need to start at the beginning. About ten years ago, before I knew anything about alterhumanity but knowing already that I specifically felt nonhuman or animal,  I remember getting interested in Star Trek. And although I vaguely knew what protoss were at the time, I didn't look too deeply into them even though my thoughts at the time towards them were "I find them interesting. I should read more about them in the future", and you can guess what happened once I looked into them more closely and looked past their in game appearances. Although I was always interested in science fiction, I feel that getting into Star Trek made me look into the genre more closely in general. And as I was watching the movies and series, I began to develop an attachment to vulcans.  So when I first looked into Starcraft, the knowledge I pulled from to understand the historical events and telepathic abilities were from the vulcans.

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Updated 3/24/25

For all intents and purposes, I’m on my own. If there are other protoss, I can’t find them. I have no idea if my experiences vary or if they’re similar to theirs. The main reason I was inspired to write this essay, was not just to bring my experiences out there, but to help anyone questioning whether or not they are a protoss. Despite the difficulties it brings me in this life and without sounding too emotional, I find the experience itself to be a gift. The secondary reason is putting this out there for anyone curious enough to read it. I expect most readers of this essay will have no prior understanding as to what a protoss is, or a minimal understanding of one, so I will try to elaborate when it's needed. As of posting this essay onto my dreamwidth, this is the only alterhuman essay on what it's like to be one on the internet.

To start, protoss are an alien species from a video game called Starcraft. It would fall under a fictionkin identity, but I personally don’t like to refer to myself as one. To me, the game is more like a piece of media based on true events, where some of the events may have been exaggerated to make it more cinematic. Excluding cosmic horror, (which also feels real to me when I read it, and contains aspects of it within Starcraft), this connection is much different than any of my other relations to different pieces of fiction. It also impacts the way I interact with the game. Although I don't feel particularly euphoric and happy when I play as a protoss, I can get a bit dysphoric when I'm commanding another species' forces. And there are some campaign missions I find myself unable to do without getting enraged or upset.

It still definitely falls under the otherkin umbrella. Since 2017, I believe to be a non canon Nerazim protoss, and live as one in my past life, and that life significantly impacts my current one, to the point where it feels like a continuation of that life. The Nerazim are a faction of protoss that were exiled for not wanting to be part of an empathetic telepathic link.I will touch upon this later on in the essay.
In essence, I feel as if I'm an amnesiac protoss. I started this life thinking I was human, ignoring my faint impressions and dreams until I learned where it originated from. And I am still trying to remember.

Due to the length of the essay, I have organized the essay into these different sections: 'On How it 'Started',' 'On Culture,' 'On Connection', 'On Language,' 'On Mental Shifts','On Habits, 'On Phantom Shifts,' & 'On Memories.'

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