Sapience & Nonhumanity

Jun. 14th, 2025 06:26 pm
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(reposted from tumblr)

I view my level of sapience as something completely inhuman, rather than something inherently human, unlike the majority of orthohumans. But my focus on sapience makes me not feel like a therian at all, even if I have some feline instincts from who knows where, and despite my nonhuman phantom limbs of having digitigrade, clawed limbs.

And the older I get, the more focused I am on gaining back the knowledge I believe I forgot, through memories and noemata. So, being knowledgeable and having a lot of memories of things to fall back on gives me some species euphoria. Especially since I feel like I lost some of my intelligence being here. And the thought of losing even more knowledge and intelligence scares me.

(As a disclaimer, I know that intelligence is a very hard thing to measure and that there are different types of intelligence, but please bear with me. I am aware it's not a black and white sort of thing, where either something has intelligence or it does not.) Even though there are some things I intuitively understand as a concept, there are still things my brain has trouble understanding, primarily with things involving numbers. And it makes me feel dysphoric.

I feel feral sometimes, but after thinking more about it, I now believe it's in more of an intelligent non-'animal' nonhuman, way. I suppose "alien" would fit the word well for others to understand what I mean. I think this is the major reason that I just don't feel like a therian anymore. I don't vibe with having unrestrained instincts, especially with instincts that do not include having a high level of sapience.

There's also the fact that animality is a social construct. Humans are objectively animals and fall under the kingdom animalia, but in society, they don't think of themselves as animals, and being called an animal often implies thoughtlessness and sheer instinct.

Coming from a species of arrogant aliens, I am trying really hard not to fall under that stereotype and am checking each sentence twice to make sure that it doesn't come across as rude or arrogant, because that is never my intention, especially when I'm talking about my own personal experiences that have solely to do with me and my existence in this place. I'd argue that even my species physically count as animals too, in the same way a sapient creature with certain traits that would fall under 'animal.' An autotrophic animal, but still an animal, even though different planets have different evolutionary pathways. I do sometimes joke around and call them plants, but nah, we aren't, really.

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Alien Invasion Movies & Hindsight

Jun. 14th, 2025 05:42 pm
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(Reposted from tumblr)

I watched a couple of alien invasion movies, growing up. It was never a huge interest of mine, but I'd watch and enjoy them when the chance came up. I was scared of aliens and all of the technology that they used, with a few exceptions which I will talk about later. When I first realized I was an alien species, I asked myself, "if I really am a nonhuman alien, why would these movies scare me so much?" Under the cut, I'll talk about some of my early childhood experiences with alien movies.

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About my physical nonhumanity

May. 29th, 2025 06:10 pm
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I've first spoke about my physical nonhumanity with this post, calling it philosophical only. And since making this post, I realize that I also mean it in a more literal way, and that the difference between literally physical and philosophically physical is incredibly confusing and vague to me. I instead see it as a vague area.

I don't like how some who are literally physical imply that the philosophically physical ones view it as something watered down, more shallow and as having the capacity to experience things that the metaphorical/philosophical ones can never hope to understand. And I also dislike the idea that literal nonhumans are taking it too far, and that the only way it can actually be experienced is through a philosophical lens. I don't really see anything good coming out of separating and gatekeeping the two as separate things. As I've already written on the subject, "by making the claim that you are physically nonhuman in a philosophical way, you are still addressing the body as physically nonhuman. And from there, they can modify the body or do whatever they want after that point. There are differences between the two, but I think specific similarities between the two are being overlooked." Someone who is literally physical and someone who is philosophically physical both attribute their body as something not human, for example. 

I don't know where the philosophical part of my identity starts and where the literal part of it ends, or if there is even a difference between those two things. This is because I view all of existence and consciousness through a philosophical lens. It feels pointless to try to label my experiences as one or the other.

Note: As a warning. there is a bit of disassociation and unreality talk in the next paragraph in the midst of my philosophical babbling.

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The past 15 years

May. 28th, 2025 09:29 pm
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(Reposted from tumblr)

I managed to catch up with an old friend and it made me realize a few things. It's funny how little things seem to have changed from my teenager years ~15 years ago, despite all of the breakthroughs that I went through since then with this state of being. I was good friends with someone at the time, before I knew anything about nonhumanity, kinity and the like. Despite it all, I'm some how the same person with the same personality, likes and dislikes as back then. Before I caught up with my old friend, I expected myself to be so completely aloof and different because of how differently I perceive myself now. Because now, I fully know and acknowledge that I'm an entity masquerading as a human. To my surprise, I don't behave that much differently since the time I was a teenager, despite all of these situations (excluding the current horrors of being an adult now-that one is new. I am much more tired with life now.)

Back then, I thought I was just a normal human, even though I've always had animalistic, feral tendencies. I felt like I wasn't human and despised being one, but I just ignored it. But fast forward to the present, and despite being so blindly oblivious to my sapient alien roots even when I was 15 years old, I still feel like the same exact person. Even if I didn't know I was just performing humanity as a disguised alien creature when I was a teenager because I completely forgot about it. I now have a completely different philosophical and spiritual understanding of the universe around me that differs from what I was taught in christian religion, and I do view human culture differently now than I used to before I entered my 20s, but I still treat the other humans I've already known back then the same way as I did before my awakening to this. I guess it's just that treat myself differently, even though I am always hiding it from others.

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Sacred Shadow's Epitaph

Mar. 13th, 2025 12:48 am
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This is relevant to the essay I just posted on my perspectives of the Khala. This poem that I've written and sent to the Inky Paws zine last year is directly based on my experiences fighting those that were possessed, as I have mentioned in the essay. I mentioned a bit more of the context behind this poem on my tumblr for anyone curious.

The memory writhes. 

It transcends millenia and lifetimes.

It warns and I still understand.


It is worse to forget a fallen friend than it is to remember their terrible end. At least then the sacrifices meant something. I promised to never forget despite this terror of knowing. An endless void emerges from the oblivion between universes. An unnatural, inky blackness darker than anything in the known universe is the start and end of the reaches of your understanding. Your first and last warning within the span of a second.

Witness within two crimson eyes the sum of all hatred, anger and evil of reality compacted into a point smaller than a neutron star but heavier than a black hole. A mortal mind was not made to withstand or experience it. The frays of the mind may find itself unraveling. Determination trained me to withstand this forever. This few second glimpse into infinite madness offers a glimpse into utter devastation;  devastation the likes that this universe has never seen before. Something once thought elusive that causes such infinite suffering beyond any apprehension is a force that must not be ignored.


A fallen entity of infinite power, the creator of all that seeks to undo all that has been done.It wishes to deliver the universe back into emptiness. It hates for the aim of hating.  It wishes to see you suffer solely for existing. It is beyond reasoning. Running only prolongs your suffering. Begging does nothing, praying yields no results because there are no other gods.This was the creature you were praying for all along since the beginning of time.This entity laughs at your pleas, feeding into its endless disease like an unnatural war machine. It grows in strength with its sadistic cackles. Nothing will save this universe but yourselves.

This entity can be seen in the minds of others. Their screams for help are unheard in the presence of such a primordial evil which engulfs everything they ever were. 

It incinerates them from the inside out. Instead, the monster screams through them all in unison. This sickening shadow burns all. By all costs, such a malevolent entity must be destroyed before it metastasizes. The blemish of this ancient existence must be cauterized from all traces of permanence. All the pain and suffering it has caused must be reflected back towards the sender a hundredfold. 

Severing yourself from this creature allows you to escape this nightmare but allows you to enter a different one: reality. It lets you see the puppetmaster in the eye and not above you holding your strings. It no longer uses its own voice to speak through you even as you glimpse into the red haze of primal anger. All of this knowledge gained from one glimpse into this creature’s realm. No amount of horror dominates this obscene vision. The infinite abomination has no equal rival.

 
The veteran mind is forever inoculated against this insanity. Immune to these terrors in mind. Is this knowledge worse to the beholder or the beheld? This question can never be answered. Only a will of unhuman steel can send you through. 


Too many died. But I saw the end. A curse or a blessing? A pity that I do not remember more, the only survivor here to share this cursed knowing.


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A Nerazim's Perspective on the Khala (dun dun dun)

Mar. 12th, 2025 06:59 pm
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Updated 3/21/25

As I have mentioned elsewhere, I have a fear of things resembling collectives or hiveminds, in any sort of way. Despite this, I have these faint feelings of the familiarity that the interconnectedness of the Khala brought to the protoss, the species specific psionic emotional link. It's a faint ancestral memory even though I was never actually part of it. The Khala allowed everyone to share their inner most thoughts and feelings, while keeping their own core sense of self, yet it still irks me. Although, it is possible to get lost in it at times.

This familiarity is inherent with being a protoss, to my disappointment. And this gives me many mixed feelings. To quickly summarize its history, the protoss were found by a highly advanced progenitor species, (the Xel'naga), and were genetically manipulated and given the Khala to bring about an end to a cycle. In the end, this resulted in those connected to the Khala to become possessed by an evil entity. I will talk about this later on in this essay. Because before we get to the end of the Khala, I have to discuss where the dark templar, or Nerazim as they've called themselves later on come into this, hi.

Small cw for mentions of religious trauma and possession.

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Existing as a protoss

Aug. 11th, 2024 11:28 pm
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Updated 6/12/25

For all intents and purposes, I’m on my own. If there are other protoss, I can’t find them. I have no idea if my experiences vary or if they’re similar to theirs. The main reason I was inspired to write this essay, was not just to bring my experiences out there, but to help anyone questioning whether or not they are a protoss. Despite the difficulties it brings me in this life and without sounding too emotional, I find the experience itself to be a gift. The secondary reason is putting this out there for anyone curious enough to read it. I expect most readers of this essay will have no prior understanding as to what a protoss is, or a minimal understanding of one, so I will try to elaborate when it's needed. As of posting this essay onto my dreamwidth, this is the only alterhuman essay on what it's like to be one on the internet.

To start, protoss are an alien species from a video game called Starcraft. It would fall under a fictionkin identity, but I personally don’t like to refer to myself as one. To me, the game is more like a piece of media based on true events, where some of the events may have been exaggerated to make it more cinematic. Excluding cosmic horror, (which also feels real to me when I read it, and contains aspects of it within Starcraft), this connection is much different than any of my other relations to different pieces of fiction. It also impacts the way I interact with the game. Although I don't feel particularly euphoric and happy when I play as a protoss, I can get a bit dysphoric when I'm commanding another species' forces. And there are some campaign missions I find myself unable to do without getting enraged or upset.

It still definitely falls under the otherkin umbrella. Since 2017, I believe to be a non canon Nerazim protoss, and live as one in my past life, and that life significantly impacts my current one, to the point where it feels like a continuation of that life. The Nerazim are a faction of protoss that were exiled for not wanting to be part of an empathetic telepathic link.I will touch upon this later on in the essay. In essence, I feel as if I'm an amnesiac protoss. I started this life thinking I was human, ignoring my faint instincts, impressions and dreams until I learned where it originated from. I react to things as a protoss would.

Due to the length of the essay, I have organized the essay into these different sections: 'On How it 'Started',' 'On Culture,' 'On Connection', 'On Language,' 'On Mental Shifts','On Habits, 'On Phantom Shifts,' & 'On Memories.'

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