About isolation and Purpose

[sya]

(Posts from tumblr)

Over the years, I've been hoping to meet someone of my species. But so far, I've come out empty-handed. I know that there's no guarantee I'd even get along with them, but it would still be nice to know that I'm not alone and not the only one here trying to survive. After this entry, I won't be talking about it again out of not wanting to repeat myself.

It is ironic in a twisted way. My particular culture prided ourselves on individuality and privacy, yet I still miss the company of my kin. Maybe others are just tougher and built stronger than me. But being the only one of my species here in this community is such an awful feeling. And I'm too scared to talk about it outside of it. It would be almost impossible to talk about it openly with a few people I know outside of the alterhuman community, for example. My brain puts up a powerful block whenever a topic even remotely skews a bit towards my identity, humanity, and species comes up around orthohumans. I straight out refuse to talk about it in other spaces. Like sure, someone may believe that aliens exist 100%, but when it comes to "fictional" aliens existing? Even conspiracy theorists would call that too "weird," for example. It feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle against people who will call me insane. Because in a way, these experiences with fiction are far, far weirder than being a furry or a therian is, which people already can't even tolerate.

I thought I'd gotten over the isolation multiple times by now, but no. It just keeps coming back up when I least expect it. I can't even tag it or mention it by name out of fear that the algorithm on tumblr would pick up on it and someone outside the community would see it there, from whichever fandom. Overall, I'm damned no matter what I do. I'm scared of being discovered by other people, but I'm also sick of feeling alone and not reaching out. It is only because my fear of being discovered or outed is greater than my want for connection. Maybe this is influenced by my alien cultural ties around being hidden and sneaky. It would be just one coincidence out of many.

About purpose

I sometimes wonder what my purpose for being here is. Why the hell am I even here in the first place? I am missing so much context that I have to resort to guessing and making assumptions based on all the information I currently have. From a spiritual perspective, I feel like I was dropped off in the middle of nowhere and forced to survive off of extremely limited resources. This is more difficult for me than it is for an average human who belongs to this world. I can't even rely on myths or research from this world when it comes to aliens because it's filled with pseudoscience and conspiracy theories based on loose conjecture.

So that is also unreliable. It is all so frustrating. The only reliable source is the source/media I am from, but it is a self-contained story, and it doesn't explain how/why I'd come here. At least not directly.

 

Am I here to help with something? Am I here for no reason at all? Is this just some shitty vacation destination? All I know is that even if this is not my planet, I don't want this world to suffer.

 

Comments

[emeraldflame]

if there's anything I know a thing or 2 about, it's isolation. It sucks to know others have to deal with it especially in a time where community is needed the most

[sya]

One of the things that's stayed consistent no matter what universe I'm in, is the importance of friends. I've been getting with talking to people lately.

[emeraldflame]

that's good, just gotta take it one step at a time :D