The past 15 years

[sya]

(Reposted from tumblr)

I managed to catch up with an old friend and it made me realize a few things. It's funny how little things seem to have changed from my teenager years ~15 years ago, despite all of the breakthroughs that I went through since then with this state of being. I was good friends with someone at the time, before I knew anything about nonhumanity, kinity and the like. Despite it all, I'm some how the same person with the same personality, likes and dislikes as back then. Before I caught up with my old friend, I expected myself to be so completely aloof and different because of how differently I perceive myself now. Because now, I fully know and acknowledge that I'm an entity masquerading as a human. To my surprise, I don't behave that much differently since the time I was a teenager, despite all of these situations (excluding the current horrors of being an adult now-that one is new. I am much more tired with life now.)

Back then, I thought I was just a normal human, even though I've always had animalistic, feral tendencies. I felt like I wasn't human and despised being one, but I just ignored it. But fast forward to the present, and despite being so blindly oblivious to my sapient alien roots even when I was 15 years old, I still feel like the same exact person. Even if I didn't know I was just performing humanity as a disguised alien creature when I was a teenager because I completely forgot about it. I now have a completely different philosophical and spiritual understanding of the universe around me that differs from what I was taught in christian religion, and I do view human culture differently now than I used to before I entered my 20s, but I still treat the other humans I've already known back then the same way as I did before my awakening to this. I guess it's just that treat myself differently, even though I am always hiding it from others.

I used to feel like I was part of humanity. I thought there was no alternative to it (haha). It's in the same way an animal imprints on an adopted mother of a different species, despite never having been that species in the first place. And now I just feel nonhuman at all, because I feel like I am 'allowed' to do that and that it's possible to do so. I hated it when I was called a human back in my childhood, and was told that's the truth. I was just never content with that. I know for a fact that I would have called myself a cheetah therian back then, but now I believe it to be some sort of anteatype, and some sort of vague-heart type. I still see myself in them, without identifying or feeling like one. (I used to think I was a wolf therian, but that 'type is clearly an anteatype now. It's just completely gone.)

I know that the old discourse over whether or not you were 'valid' if you weren't born as your 'type is dumb and insignificant in day to day life. But when I look back in hindsight, a lot of my sapient alien instincts and memories were already there, they were just greatly overshadowed because I had no basis to really compare it to up until I actually looked into the source and did the research. The stylistic artwork of the media/source threw me off as well at first, so I never really considered being that species until I compared my phantom shifts to them and went, "Oh fuck."

I also experience the same sort of painful, nostalgic feelings for my old brethren from my other lifetime as I do with human friends from this lifetime. It's the same protectiveness, the same melancholy and sadness for not seeing them for so long, for one reason or another. I even felt this way towards kids my age that I didn't know well when I was very young, whenever I didn't know if I'd see them again, even if we met just once. Evidently, I still get it, but it was much worse in my first decade of life here. Exotrauma is a bitch. I lost many friends back then and will leave it at that.

Sometimes, I do wish to talk to my friends the same way I did back then. Like clasping a hand on a shoulder, heavy with respect, and calling them my brother, sister or friend. It's another interesting bleed over. I know alterhumans often talk about not being able to befriend humans. But despite being so very nonhuman, I'm able to befriend them just fine. I may not tell them about my exogeiny bullshit, but that's ok, even if I want to tell them sometimes. Maybe one day. Most of the people I befriend are orthohumans (or assumed to be one). The reason why I befriend so many is just because there's more of them out there in different spaces. And I only talk to one alterhuman on a regular daily basis. Yeah, it would be nice to have an alterhuman friend irl, but it is what it is.